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 "Oho!' said the pot to the kettle;

"You are dirty and ugly and black!
Sure no one would think you were metal,
Except when you're given a crack."

"Not so! not so! kettle said to the pot;
" 'Tis your own dirty image you see;
For I am so clean -without blemish or blot-
That your blackness is mirrored in me"

"Maxwell's Elementary Grammar" (1904)

 

Here we are. At the crossroad, to where our options are laid out and to where our future is to be decided.

It had been a fun but awfully painful path towards this turning point of landmark. How we got here, I'm not really sure, too. I just know that whatever we did, it got us here somehow. Maybe by dragging ourselves, trying our best to deal with everything on our own flawed methods, we got to this point. Whatever it was, it did us good, but also did us pretty bad for us to be faced with this predicament.

Where do we go from here? I'm not sure if that question could be answered by me alone. For one, I don't really know where I'm going right now. Maybe I'm just running around in circles trying to wait for your decision on the matter. Hindi ko alam eh, para lang akong tanga. But then I realize that what we've been doing up to this point is somewhat flawed. We, I suddenly realized, are not getting any better. We, I suddenly realized, are in a whole lot of trouble.

But then again, I'm not sure where to go without you right now. I've grown accustomed with your presence that everything else looked bleak. I built my life around you so much that I might fall apart without it. Then, I wake up. Something is wrong, with both of us, with our dynamics, with our love. It may take awhile to pin-point the reasons for these series of unfortunate events, but in a nutshell, if we want this to be salvaged, we will have to do something drastic -- because right now, we are at a point of no return.

Here, at the crossroad, we decide what we do together, and what we do apart.

And maybe, save ourselves, in the process.

"In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this word to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours."

“But to win it requires your total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is a sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence of that which is man: for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the Morality of Life and that yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth."

--John Galt

Yes, that's me.

Since a document came out tallying our hours worked in relation to our hours actually payed, an alarming revealation came staring at me -- I'm 3 hours overpayed by the University. It is an ethical anomaly to the administrative staff, that one of an employee, a Non-Government Worker none-the-less, is enjoying a three-hour freebie. I will have to be penalized, or whatever reprimand I deserve to receive. My lack of drive to get up every morning at 6, to get to work alot earlier than usual, and my excessive desire to have "me day" probably got in the way of me actually working as diligently as I should.

My inadequecies are now confirmed. My under-performance to any task that is thrown at me speaks a lot about the problems I'm having at work. I miss training sessions that I set myself, leaving the training coordinator fuming with resent. I neglect upload of the new system releases because of my own irresponsibility. My mind is everywhere. My mind is nowhere.

Yes, UPLB, I'm inadequate. My self-motivation problems are showing itself little by little, through my passive-aggressive stance in the work I'm doing. I'm always late if not absent. I'm always slacking off, trying to "de-stress". I'm always doing something else, like fixing up relationship problems, or catching up with the latest sports scores, or up-ing my level on Mafia Wars. Every bit of distraction contributes to my inadequecy.

This entry dictates my renewed will to self-motivating myself. Exactly one month later, nothing has changed. Perhaps, nothing will change, until I find what I really want to do in this life.

Maybe I need a change of scenery. A change of pace. A change of heart about everything. Is this what I really want to do for the rest of my life? I don't know. No matter how I try to brainwash myself into thinking otherwise, my actions spoke louder.

Inadequate.
Overpayed.

That's me.

Endorphins.

I finally got what my good friend and confidante Tanja meant when endorphins are addictive. It was the first time in a long time that I felt this good out of a intense physical workout. Yes, folks, it's the first time I hit the pavement and went on my very first campus run.

It is called a campus run because I ran the outer part of the UPLB lower campus. I started in the Administration building, where I work, run-walk-run my way to Pili Drive/CEAT/Agronomy, then to the gates of Animal Husbandry, then to Baker Hall, then to Men's and Women's Dorm, to DL Umali Hall, then to CSI, and finally, around Kanluran drive to the Administration building.

Tanja taught me this path sometime ago when I was having problems with myself and some aspects of my life -- she said I should just run it all off.

I have a long way to go though. My really-slow pace of 1 minute running and 1 minute walking, rinse repeat, isn't exactly what will finally trigger my weight loss. I have to increase my pace weekly, and swim at least 10 laps every other day. If I can handle that, with proper diet, also known as carbo-watching, I think I'm set.

Well, wishful thinking that is. But it's a start, right?

Then, it all boils down to endorphins.

A flawed human being will remain as flawed while he doesn't accept his shortcomings. You, as a flawed human being, should realize that -- well, you are fucking flawed. That you, no matter how you try to cover it up with your fine capitalization and keen sense of apostrophies in your usage of Tagalog, are still the same old douchebag that we knew and tried to understand. But you took it too far, with you thinking that you are the better of us, and eventually taking us for granted. You see, we are the only ones who know and understand what your fatal flaws are. We are the only ones who tried to endure your miserable company, because we tried understanding your situation and your shortcomings.

But now, we are at our limit. We had enough. We were your friends, at one point, until you started taking us for granted.

And you know, we wouldn't be this annoyed at your "busy" life if you didn't slap our faces into saying that "you guys are the least of my priorities" everytime you tried to excuse yourself. You make it sound like we were nothing. Well, to tell you the truth, you are nothing. Your facade of a decent human being is nothing. Your lies and deception will be shown eventually. And in the end, you will be just this ugly, flawed, hopeless and concieted human being. Your only gratification in life is that your online facade of a human being might get you a new set of friends that "understands you". Well, they would, if they are equally flawed. Heh. Some company they are, right?

On a final note, you were never our vocalist. To tell you the truth, your voice sucks so much that I wouldn't even let you sing the songs that I really like. Never. Ever. Don't think that because you get to sing some of our songs that you are part of the band, anyway. I, as the leader of our band, never thought of you as one. Let me get that through your head.

So then, to put at least some postivity to an otherwise negative rant post, at least you saved us the trouble of telling everyone how utterly flawed and hopeless you are. Plurk is such a nice place to say to the world that you are an idiot and you have no friends, really.

At the end of the day, when my day keeps on getting worse and worse, all I could really do is shut the hell up, take a deep breath, probably smoke a stick or two, and drink my misery away.

For tomorrow is a brand new day with brand new challenges that will try to make my day go from better to worse all over again. By then, I am ready, and I will not falter from anything that life throws at me.

But, tonight, please, dear life, take away my stress and worries, stop throwing me any more challenges, and drink with me until the night disappears.

I heard a quote from a longtime friend of mine from her multiply account. It goes: "Don't stop when you are tired. Stop only when you are done."

Lately, I have been receiving some negative feedback from my boss because of my habit of disappearing on times that he needs me.

"Kung kailan kita hinahanap, dun ka wala! Pero kung kailan ka andito, dun hindi kita kailangan." he said to me, in a straight face, during a meeting a few days ago. It roughly translates into whenever he looks for me, I'm not there, and I'm only there when he is not looking for me.

Well, I admit, there are times that I suddenly disappear as I have other matters to attend to. Like last week, I was gone for the only 2 working days because I honestly got sick, and not "lovenat" that everybody was saying. I had a swollen tonsil (again) and throwing out phlemgh everywhere. But then there are other times that I'm late for work, as my boss usually comes in the weirdest time in the morning to look for me. To tell you the truth, I'm always late for work, so there is no excuse for the sudden disappearance, as I am probably still in dream land.

But then, my boss said something that shook me to my bones. I sent him a private message over Yahoo! Messenger to ask something about our one hundred thousand peso project. I had the feeling that he was kicking me out of the team of three. He said that because I am always not here when he needs me, I may not be up for the next project. What he said next is the deal breaker that got me shaking: "We thought you are too enamored to work at it".

"Enamored with what?" I asked him. But of course the answer was very obvious. I am in-love. And sometimes I would disappear from the office, from the boss' eyes, to be with her. I do not blame myself for it, and I do not even consider it a bad thing, because she is still the best thing that happened to me for the longest while, even more than me finally getting out of UPLB alive.

I felt a chain of guilt, that maybe I have been too neglectful of my responsibilities at work.

So now, back to the quote. Ever since this work week started, I have been high on work. That is because of my new found self-discipline: "Only stopping when I'm done." It all boils down on focus -- if I focus on my work, purely on my work that is, I could finish faster. If I wouldn't stop in the middle of the pace of the work, then everyday my work output will increase.

Let this be the start of a new work outlook. I vow to only stop when I am done.

And after I'm done, then I would have all the time in the world, to spend in whatever way I want.

So, a first of firsts.

Today, I am officially broke. I have a combined of 70 pesos in both the ATM accounts I use, and I have 140 pesos in pocket money. I still have to travel from Los Baños, Laguna to Quezon City, Metro Manila, which will cost me roughly around a 120 pesos. That leaves me with 20 pesos.

I already asked for help from my dear parents. But they were trying to dissuade me from making them deposit some money, because it's bothersome for their busy lives. I had to pull a FAMAS for them to finally notice that I am financially in-trouble. I had to suck in all "I am independent" feelings and hang my head low because this time, I am really in trouble.

I may have mishandled my money a lot this week, and even the previous week, but I am still fighting it. I am still fighting for my independence. I am still fighting for my own financial stability.

Until then, I might just have to concede to the fact that I am still this spoiled brat who does not know how to be thrifty.

A famous weatherman and television journalist once said: "Ang buhay ay weather-weather lang."

In a hint of irony, that he had to say that almost everytime after his segment in a primetime news show, that he speaks of a life philosophy after he had preached a coming storm or an impending sunny day. He related that life is like the change of weathers, most probably saying that life is sunny, rainy, windy or whatever.

But then, another hint of irony struck me as I viewed the scenery outside the office building. It was raining. On a supposedly beautiful April morning. Where most April's that I remember were the mighty gaze of the Sun soaring in the sky -- full and without any insecurities. But not today, and not even yesterday, that the mighty Sun I love showed his magnificence. Most April's, in my recent memory, was all about the summer fun, the heat, the harsh light, the long shadows, the beaches and the long cold showers.

Well, this morning was mostly cloudy, as if August had been swapped with my April. The drizzle of rain were enough to make my mood swing from extremely giddy to extremely sour. And the irony of things was, it was such a perfect day yesterday up until the moment I arrived back here in Los Baños. The moment I stepped out of the bus, the rain poured. The moment I re-started my real life, it suddenly became gloomy.

So if life is like changing weather, I wonder when my Sunny days would be constant, and happy, and would not be interrupted by the random drizzles of rain.

She gawked into my eyes, studying it with intensity. I thought something was on my face, or at least my eyes.

Is it turning red again? Are the styes back? Is it drooping from the lack of sleep the night before? Suddenly, questions along the lines of these popped inside my head. But her blank stare did not gave away any of the answer I was looking for.

Her eyes were wide, expressive, but currently devoid of emotion -- like a doctor examining a patient, or like a student studying his notebook for an exam. Those eyes looked into mine, for so long that I started to wonder why.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked her.

"Looking at you like what?" She said in reply.

"Like you want to eat me." I said, mostly because of having anything better to describe it with.

"You really are Chinese." A stroke of randomness ingulfed her reply.

"What of it?" Curious on what made her say it.

She then put her tender fingers on the outer part of my eye (I forgot what is that called, sorry).

"That."

She pressed it and traced a thin line towards my ears.

"So I have tiny eyes, so what? I'm Filipino, a hundred percent chopseuy!" I protested. I never really liked to be called Chinese, because, well, I am not. At least not entirely. My grandfather is a pure one, but I never lived early enough to see him face to face.

"Okay, whatever you say." She said in resignation.

Still, that night, she continued staring at my eyes for so long until we both fell asleep.

So here it is.

All of me, in a nutshell. Weak. Crazy. Paranoid. Needy. Clingy. I have revealed all of my weaknesses, and it came crashing down. So fast. So sudden. So much. These weaknesses that I tried to keep, tried to hide, tried to pretty much shut out. These weaknesses that I was afraid of showing to anyone. I smacked myself in the head everytime a good one comes along: "She won't be ready for you. You'll overwhelm her. You'll suck the living life out of her." I often tell myself.

But now, there is no turning back. 

A promise is a promise. Right?

I'm sorry. I really am.

I immediately set my mind to rush to work this Monday, amidst the standing appointment for me to return to Diliman for that UP Alumni Association project, because of a text message I recieved Saturday Morning from our Administrative Officer in our department at work. We were to accomplish our actual hours rendered for January and February, because she was compiling a document proving that we did work the extra hours for those two months.

Upon accomplishing the rendered hours, I was surprised to see that I am still under a lot of hours because of my previous attendance problems in December. I was in deep shock to find out that even after the constant thirteen to fourteen hours per day I do, and using some of the extra hours to take random day-offs, I am still down a lot of hours to the quota. To make matters worse, the higher-ups decided to cut down on our "overtime" time up only until 10PM. We programmers had no business staying for so long in the office anyway, so they say.

To a certain point, I do not think that what the higher-ups are doing to us was wrong. They are right. We should only be getting payed the hours that we render for work. We, as NON-GOVERNMENT WORKERS for an infant IT Department here in UPLB should only be getting due for the results -- and so far I had none.

This came into a sudden realization that the self-declared benefits of our young office were slowly disappearing. We have no leaves. We have no insurance. We are underpayed as an IT professional. We are undermanned as a functional software developing firm. We have some veiled leadership problems with all due respect to my boss, my colleague and my friend. But even taking these things into consideration, I (or even my boss) is not satisfied with my performance. All these times, I was slacking off and inhibiting a relentless passive-aggressive stance towards my work. I am, most of the time, unsupervised, and mostly on my own in the project that I was doing. I lack the motivation and the teamwork that I seek in a work environment.

So this is my apology to my office that nurtured me and accepted the fact that I was a mediocre student and an underachieving software developer. It is the time for me to grow up. It is the time for me to be a better employee of the System. But if even my eventual satisfactory output was put to shame by the countless redtapes and administrative supression, maybe then, it will be the time for me to leave.

Today marks a new "firsts" in my road to adulthood. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am now officially cut-off from any financial help from my parents. It is part of my test on being a full-pledged adult. This means I have to pay for my own food, pay for my house and electric bills, and pay for my excessive gimmick expenses. 

Well, I have to start somewhere, right? I have been working since November, and it is about time I went on my own. The decision was mine, anyway. I do not blame my parents for releasing me from my bond. Who knows, maybe in a few years I'm permanently moving out of our home in Quezon City? Maybe, I need to be slapped with reality for me to grow up.

Irony: Three of my elder siblings still recieves monetary support from my parents. The three of them never left the house for more than I have. This is a challenge for me and my new lifestyle, as I embark on the journey to my complete independence. 

Maybe my immaturity was just hiding itself, waiting for the next opportunity to strike. I don't know. I have this nagging feeling that something might go wrong. Call me paranoid, but the feeling stayed on for quite a bit, that I lost some valuable sleep hours over it.

I'm probably just over-thinking the endless permutations of possibilities. Perhaps my lack of nicotine and caffeine were to blame. I have to calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Time would help cope up with my lack of trust with the world, until then I have to make myself busy so I need not to think about any of it.

I woke up sweating. It was 4 in the morning when I had a vivid recollection of a nightmare. It was a chase. My memories were remembering a silhouette that I was running away from. Yet, it keeps pulling me back, magically, beside him. It would laugh hard as I start running away again. I felt it was like a game, where a boss character keeps on beating me, so all I could do was run away.

I remembered that she was there. Behind me. Observing. Will I beat this mere shadow? Or will I continue to cower away in fear?

Perhaps the whole sequence was related to her. I could only speculate the possibility though. Maybe I should just resign my dream as another random memory shifting quickly that it makes a little sense of reality.

It seemed like I haven't blogged anything for 38 weeks. That's not true, though. I have decided last May 2008 to restart the way I blog in a Multiply site that I'm using for 38 weeks.

http://statusquoante.multiply.com

There were reasons for the great move, one of them was to refresh my attitude towards my life. Error in syntax had been my companion since 2006, and Crimson ocean, another LJ account, had been used since 2003. Both LJ accounts, hold the truth on what I feel, since then, my blogging philosophy was to speak what I feel, even in spurts, even in garbled languages. Both accounts, were tainted by the serious negativity of my everday life from 2003 to 2008.

When I restarted in May 2008 on Status quo ante, I never blogged with any substance. I was probably as numb as any graduating student then, and my priorities in life shifted from love and academics to photography and work.

I grew up.

Statusquoante was a reflection of my serious side, the one that has little or no immaturity, the one that has none of those absurd 5 minute poems, the one that doesn't say 'fuck' or 'shit' or 'damn' as frequent as before. I am proud of Statusquoante, in all aspects. It helped me get perspective in my life, that the maturity required for real life takes more than writing endless rants about it.

But that is exactly why must restart truthfully blogging again, here in LJ. About my shut-out hatred for everything that doesn't go my way. About my fears and worries, outside the usual work rants. About my magnificent life, that still has it's moments of weaknesses.

It's time to be human again.

Tadaima, LJ.

"But you're chasing the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasing ghosts."

--Ghost of a Good Thing by Dashboard Confessional

It is like saying, move on, move on. Stop chasing. You might never know, that while you're chasing, someone much better is getting away from you. Again.

So I better stop chasing, and embrace myself for a better future. Much better.

Warning: Yet just another tagalog emo post.

Umuulan.

Dinig ko sa labas ang pabugso bugsong patak ng tubig, tila nang-iinis, tila nagpapakita ng masamang pangitain.

Hindi raw ako maaring lumabas, sabi ng ulan. Masaya siya, dahil hindi nga naman talaga puwede. Sa oras na ito, karapat dapat lamang sa akin ay humiga at pumikit. Ngunit, yun na lamang ang aking ginawa magdamag -- humiga, pumikit, at maghintay ng oras tungo sa kawalan.

"Edi lumabas ako". Parang gago lang eh. Ito ang solusyon sa aking nakakairitang problema. Ngunit hindi madali iyon. Una sa lahat, walang nagaaya sa akin lumabas. Tila nakalimutan nila na ngayon ay sabado, na dapat sinusubukan namin tumugtog sa banda. Pero nasaan sila? Nawawala. Hindi nagpaparamdam. Hindi mo makausap ng matino dahil masyado nang na-enganyo sa nilalaro. Anak ng lecheng santo. Matapos natin pagkagastuhan ang hilig natin, iiwanan niyo nalang basta? Sabi na nga ba, at walang patutunguhan ang mga taong katulad natin.

Naghanap nalang ako ng kausap. Mayroon namang sumagot, siya, subalit hindi ako kinakausap ng matino. Ang atensiyon niya ay nasa ibang lugar. Ang puso niya ay nasa ibang tao. Hindi ko kaya iyon kumpitensiyahin. Matapos niya sabihin ang mga bagay na iyon, ganoon na lamang ang kaniyang ginagawa. Sa puntong ito, hindi ko na talaga maintindihan kung ano talaga ang nangyayari. Marahil, dahil na rin sa paglabas ng aking totoong sarili -- isang batang makasarili at maramdamin. Nagbabago na kami. At hindi maganda ang nakikita kong pinatutunguhan nito. Pakiramdam ko, mas makakabuti na nga na hindi nalang kami mag-usap pang muli.

Matapos ng lahat ng ito, may mga realisasyon at rebelesasyon na naganap. Maraming pagkukulang sa mga tao. Maraming pangarap na gustong makamit subalit may mga humahadlang. Maraming lugar at pangyayaring gusto puntahan, ngunit walang may gusto sumama. Maraming taong pilit kinikilala, subalit pilit nilalayo ang sarili sa kanila. Paminsan, hindi na rin nakakatawa. Hindi ko naman pasan ang mundo, pero hindi ko maiwasang isipin na may mga araw na galit ito sa akin.

Tungo sa aking hindi nakakasigurong hinaharap, mayroon din akong mga panahon ng kahinaan. At sa mga panahon na ito, gustuhin ko mang may kasama ako, may kausap at isang balikat na maiiyakan, wala akong makita. Kumot, unan, higaan at gitara lamang ang aking kaibigan ngayong gabi.